


Disenchanted

by sapphistication



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Leia is worried okay, M/M, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Protective Finn (Star Wars), Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, not graphic but he sure is spiralling sometimes please be careful!, poe is just very much not fine and triggered to hell but then finn comes and gives him a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:06:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26977819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphistication/pseuds/sapphistication
Summary: Neither of them said a word for a while, because what would he even say? He couldn't say the truth, it was stupid, and she obviously wouldn't listen to his lies and apologies. What would he say?Sorry, General, I just kinda wanna die sometimes, it's nothing serious.No way.------Aftermath of Poe having intrusive thoughts that told him he should just crash his X-Wing. He's can't stop shaking and just needs Finn to tell him he's okay, but Leia wants to talk to him first.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Leia Organa, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 4
Kudos: 99





	Disenchanted

**Author's Note:**

> Mssr-j and I came to the conclusion that there’s not enough angsty finnpoe fics out there, and I had this one over on my tumblr since Finnpoe week in July and idk why I never posted it here. Anyway, have fun being sad! 💕  
> Some of you know this already from tumblr, but I'm trying to eventually have everything on here as well. If you wanna check out the mess that is my tumblr, come say hi over at happybeeps-nat

After their debrief, the General did not look too happy, but these days she rarely did, so Poe tried to not read too much into it. He got up as soon as soon as they were dismissed, still feeling icky, energised and tired, vibrating out of his own skin, breathing too fast and feeling he was drowning in nothing. He was tired and his hands were shaking where he was clenching them into fists, and he just really wanted Finn to tell him he was okay. He really just wanted Finn, period.

Poe could still feel his X-Wing hurtling toward the ground, the gravitational pull just as strong as his mental pull to _let it happen_. _It would be so easy..._ The cries of his squad members, asking what was wrong, if he could hear them, if he needed help, if he saw something, if he was--

He needed to get out of here, away from everyone else. Just away. But he couldn't, because as soon as he got up the General raised her voice again.

"Commander Dameron. A word." It was not a question.

He sighed and tried not to react; just straightened his back, standing at attention. His squad was filing out of the room, most of them shooting worried looks his way, until it was only him and the General left. He hid his shaking hands behind his back, wishing he could hide his face as well. Just run away and hide and try to breathe normally again.

She was looking at him in that way that always made him feel she could see right through him, see his thoughts and the pictures in his head. There was a sad look in her eyes that Poe did not want to think about, because if he did, he would know exactly why she wanted to talk with him.

"You can sit down." Poe didn't react, his limbs were still kind of numb and stiff, and he really preferred to- "Please sit, Commander."

He sat, wringing his hands in his lap again, clamping really, just hoping she wouldn't notice.

She did. Of course she did. Looked at his hands, then back at his face and shook her head with that sad expression again.

"I am telling you for the last time, Commander, to not scare us like that. Do not make your squad think your starfighter has a severe malfunction and you're dropping to the ground!"

Poe winced. "I'm sorry, General, I don't-"

"Banthashit!" she exclaimed, interrupting him in a way that surprised Poe, made him flinch just slightly. Or maybe that was still his whole body shaking. He couldn't even tell anymore, but the urge to get up and run away and not come back was very real. To climb in his X-Wing, to fly high and then to drop and fall and crash and- It would be so easy. Instead, he clamped his hands around each other until his knuckles turned white and the pain distracted him from his thoughts.

Neither of them said a word for a while, because what would he even say? He couldn't say the truth, it was stupid, and she obviously wouldn't listen to his lies and apologies. What would he say? _Sorry, General, I just kinda wanna die sometimes, it's nothing serious._ No way. _  
_

She saw right through him anyway, he knew that. So he sat in silence, waiting for her to be done with this talk so he could go back to Finn and finally let go and cry and then pretend like he was okay. Like everything was okay. Like they weren't fighting a war. Like they weren't gonna die soon anyway. Like there was a point in staying alive and postponing death.

With a sigh, she sat down right in front of him and seemed like she was lightyears away. Or maybe he was. It was probably him. Always him. "You know," she started. His hands hurt but he couldn't stop clenching them. "Han would never let me fly the damn ship. He wouldn't leave me alone, ever, always sending Chewie or Lando with me when he couldn't be there. I never really realised he did it. And then once I did, I never asked him about it until years later. And he looked me in the eye and said that he knew, deep down, that there was a chance I wouldn't… that I would wanna die. That I would take down the Falcon and myself along with it if I had been given the chance."

Poe tried to focus and to take a breath but he couldn't, not really, not through the tears that were forming and not through his thoat that was rapidly closing up. He was looking at his hands because he couldn't stand looking at her. He couldn't stand existing, especially not beside Leia, his General, his hero. Not when he was like this. Not when she could _see_ him. Always see him.

Across from him, Leia huffed a completely joyless laughter and reached out a hand he couldn't bear taking, but she let it rest on her knee as a silent offering he couldn't accept. "I was a kid. My planet had been destroyed, my family eradicated, wiped out just like that... Everyone I ever knew. My lover was a criminal, my brother fighting his own war, my father another criminal, the worst of them all, and I… I was a kid. I used to be a Princess. But then I was just lost in a war I didn't even understand." She shook her head. "And when he told me, I knew he was right. There was a fair chance back then that I would just climb into a ship and crash it without even crying over myself. And I still can't get into a starfighter and be up in the cockpit. I can't. Because things are the same again, and I-" she sighed. Leaned forward in the fog that was his mind. "Commander. _Poe_. I get it. That's all I'm saying."

Poe rapidly shook his head, because she didn't get it. She had lost way more than he ever could to begin with, she was far braver and more heroic than he could ever be, and she was old. Older than he would ever be. And she was still here, leading the Resistance like she didn't want to die some days, and-- she didn't get it. Poe was just being stupid. Maybe _he_ didn't get it.

"Yes, I do," she said softly, reaching out to take his hand again but he flinched away.

Always with the flinching, like he had to move, could not be still, had to be in action, had to take his X-Wing and crash it into the next surface because it was the only thought that was there, the loudest thought, the most intrusive one.

"Breathe," she told him. Begged him. Because he wasn't breathing. Maybe he could just stop breathing, maybe he could try, then his X-Wing would be fine, ready to be used by someone else. Then they wouldn't go to waste.

"Have you been talking to Dr. Kalonia," she asked him then, tone impossibly gentle, the complete opposite of his whole existence in that moment. It hurt, the way she seemed to care.

He nodded, and technically it wasn't a lie. He had talked to her about it, she had given it a name and prescribed some meds and before he could take them he'd had to leave for Jakku. His hands haven't stopped shaking since then. It's been months. Possibly. Maybe more. He didn't know, didn't care.

"I want you to do that again," she told him. "And take the meds. And _talk_ , Poe. Please, talk. I don't want to be right about this."

He shrugged, frowning at his hands. He wanted to take off his own skin, be gone, be someone else, be someone who could fight a war without wanting to die sometimes. He wanted to be okay. He wanted Finn. He wanted-

"It's good you're alive, Poe," she said after a while, sounding defeated and he felt like shit for that, but he couldn't talk. Could only choke on the tears he was holding back. He couldn't say the words, not to her, not like that. Not knowing she felt the same sometimes. That made everything too real, too pressing, too dangerous.

Suddenly, there was a determined knock on the metal door and Leia activated the mechanism for it to open. Poe's back was to the wall but he had a feeling he knew who was going to be there. And he was right, because Finn's warm voice came from the doorway just a second later. 

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt, General. I was just looking... but I can leave, sorry, I was just-” 

“No, Finn, please, you can stay. In fact, I think we are done here.” She got up and walked to Finn where Poe could hear her murmur a “take care of him” kind of sentence, followed by the sound of her leaving the room. 

Poe had yet to turn around, and his hands had yet to stop shaking. He had yet to get a fucking grip. Had he breathed already? Maybe he should start with that, maybe then it would be easier. He was trying. Really trying.

“Hey,” Finn whispered, coming toward him and crouching down so they were almost eye-level. 

Poe was still looking at his hands, didn’t want to see the worry in Finn’s eyes, just wanted to… he wanted for Finn to know without having to tell him first. 

“Come on, let’s go, you must be tired,” Finn said, reaching out to pull Poe up with him. Tired. Yeah, he was tired all right. Getting up was easier with Finn, though. Everything was easier with Finn. He took the hand, let himself be pulled up, still not meeting Finn's eyes but leaning heavily on him, trusting him, allowing himself the warmth that was Finn.

They left, and Poe still hasn’t said a word, didn’t speak until they were lying on their uncomfortable bunks, him on top of Finn, Finn’s arms around him but not in a way that felt trapping. Never like that.

“Have you been having those thoughts again? You’re still shaking," came the soft, gentle, caring voice he was never prepared for.

Poe nodded but in the same moment hid his face in Finn’s chest. He wanted to get away, go be on the other side of the room, away from human contact, away from Finn’s warmth and love, and only be left with the coldness of the floor and his thoughts. But he also knew that wasn’t what he really wanted. And that was just it, huh? Just like he knew crashing his X-Wing wasn’t what he really wanted. It was like something, someone, was inside his mind again, and he couldn’t- 

“You’re alive. You’re good and you’re wonderful and you’re amazing and you’re all those words I was never taught by the First Order, and I keep forgetting about the words, but I never forget about you. You’re always with me in my mind and heart, and I know that I’m always with you. But I also know that sometimes that’s not enough for either of us. I know you have these thoughts, and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. But it’s a good thing you’re alive. On, like, the whole scale from personal to universal. And I love you.” 

Finn always did that. Always said all those words but Poe couldn’t do words today, he didn’t want words, he didn’t want to be told that he was alive, because he knew that. You can’t wanna die if you’re dead already, so yes, he was alive and aware of that. He just didn’t know what to do with that information. He wanted to hide away from it, and he buried his wet face even more in the crook of Finn's neck, feeling pathetic like always.

“Can we,” he started around the lump in his throat. “Can we not do this? I can’t do words, not the same words all the time, I just... I’m sorry. Can we not do this?” 

Finn nodded, because of course he did. He tightened his arms around Poe and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Want me to tell you a story?” 

Poe smiled despite himself and nodded, pressing a kiss to the other man’s shoulder. Finn loved telling stories, and that was just such an universally weird thing, completely out of place to how things should work, and Poe enjoyed that. Enjoyed how this shouldn’t be possible, and still it happened. Because if Finn, a kidnapped child, a brainwashed stormtrooper, a Force-sensitive soldier for the Resistance could lie in bed with Poe and tell the wildest, most fantastically beautiful stories, and it could be okay to the universe, then maybe Poe being alive and here with him could be okay, too. 


End file.
